7 Months and still a mess

Blake will be 7 months tomorrow. He is the most perfect baby. He is smart and sweet. He eats great and sleeps well. He is such a happy boy and the best part of every day is watching his face light up when Stefen gets home from work. If Stefen doesn’t come right over to him to say hi Blake will stare him down (with a huge smile) till he does. We have been blessed with a perfect baby. Why am I still feeling so sad then? I “gave birth” to him 7 months ago and it didn’t go the way we had planned at all. I “birthed” a perfect child but I didn’t have a perfect birth. Who cares right? He’s here and healthy. I have a wonderfully healthy and extremely happy baby.

Why do I still have this deep sunken pain in the bottom of my stomach, like something is wrong, 24/7? Something was wrong. But it’s over with now. So how do I get this feeling to go away too? I’m sick of it. I don’t want to be depressed or mourn over a birth I was never able to experience, never able to give to Blake, never able to show Stefen and the rest of my family that I could do. It’s just birth.

“Just” birth; something so many woman can do. Dogs can do it and make it look easy. I knew I could do it. But I couldn’t. I didn’t.

I know deep down I didn’t fail anyone and I didn’t fail Blake. He’s not going to grow up and be upset with me because I didn’t birth him the way I was meant to. He’s probably not even going to want to hear about giving birth period. So why do I feel like I could have done better? Maybe I could have. Maybe I ate too many cheeseburgers or was too relaxed with letting him “wait it out”. Maybe I ran too much, or worked too much. Maybe I would finally be able to be at peace with all of this if I knew what it was that I did wrong so that next time I don’t do “that” again.

Next time.. Even though I didn’t get to give Blake a perfect birth he will be able to witness a perfect birth with his sibling. Maybe I can build another sort of bond by having Blake at my side and show him how everything is supposed to go.

But maybe I will end up back in a hospital with another c-section and all Blake will get is to have a similar birth experience with his sibling. That scares me more than anything. I want to enjoy my next pregnancy as much as I did Blake’s (once I got over the sickness part). I don’t want to live in fear for 10 months wondering things like “will I actually go into labor this time?” “Will my blood pressure stay down this time?” “Will I be able to maintain a healthy diet and exercise lifestyle without over-doing it?” “Will I succeed in a VBAC?”

I feel so selfish even worrying about these things. I have friends who are fearful that they will never get pregnant, or  make it past the 1st trimester, or birth a live baby. And I’m worried that I won’t get the magical birth experience I’ve always dreamed of? What is wrong with me? I know I need to grieve, but I’m sick of grieving. I feel selfish for grieving. I want to be done with it and move on. I want to get pregnant again because I want another baby, not because I want to fix things or do things right this time.

Please God, help me.